Paranoia by P.J. Fox

Author:P.J. Fox [Fox, P.J.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Evil Toad Press
Published: 2015-01-24T05:00:00+00:00

6.

“Turd. I was calling him a fucking turd.”

Dan Bigelow, Eisenhower’s supposed commander in chief, blinked. “Well now,” he said, “that’s quite something.” And then, “Ned, if you were willing to go that far, why not go all out and call him a yellow-bellied, lily-livered, cock-sucking excuse for a pair of pants?”

He and Ned had had these meetings before.

Dan Bigelow prided himself on being able to insult people without swearing. Or, at least, not very much. And, having held his current post for about ten years, he was an old hand at being a frumpy old fuddy duddy. Like most truly wholesome people, he felt slightly naughty when he said words like cock. Ned could just picture him preening in the mirror, repeating his affirmations or whatever the fuck he did when he got ready in the morning and telling himself that today would be the day when he really connected with those kids.

Heck, he probably thought he was connecting with Ned right now.

“Have you been storing that line up?”

“As a matter of fact, I have.”

“Well it’s pretty lame, Dan.”

“That’s Principal Bigelow to you,” the older man replied, without rancor.

Principal Fucktard.

He steepled his fingers. “Listen, Ned.” He was being sincere, now. Ned wanted to vomit. “You can’t just go around swearing at teachers.”

Oh, really? I didn’t know that.

“They don’t like it much.”

Well paint me purple and call me a Jolly Rancher.

“Besides, as you well know, you’re mere months from graduation.” He paused. “Ned, do you have any plans for college?” He checked the file in front of him, scanning the transcript it contained. “I mean, with your grades….” He let that thought die unfinished. Ned’s grades weren’t a selling point. Bigelow looked up. “But you’re so smart, Ned.”

Ned said nothing.

“A 2.0? Really? How could you have let this happen?”

How could you? I thought you were supposed to be the educator, Dan.

“I bet you just loved high school, Dan.”

Bigelow paused to consider the question. “I try to remember my own high school experience as little and as rarely as possible.”

“Then why are you here?”

“Well, foolish idiot that I am, I thought I could help kids like me—like you.”

“We have nothing in common.”

“If you don’t want sympathy, then, Ned, do you perhaps want to offer some sort of explanation for your behavior? Say anything at all in your own defense? Or would you prefer to just sit here, arms crossed, glaring at me and doing your best to antagonize me?”

Ned just glared. He knew Bigelow wouldn’t believe him, either.

Mythomania is a distressing condition involving a fixed pattern of compulsive dishonesty with no obvious motivation. The affected person might even believe his lies to be the truth.

“These are serious accusations, Ned. Do you understand that?”

In certain extreme cases, the patient may even be compelled to create elaborate myths, in order to reconcile their lies with real world situations. Cases of patients inventing jobs, significant others, even entire families have been recorded. In one California case, the patient in question sent himself love letters over a period of seven months.

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